Why Toxic Positivity Isn’t Helpful (and Can Actually Be Harmful)

We live in a culture that is largely uncomfortable with the expression of emotions deemed ‘negative’, such as sadness, grief, anger, despair, or hopelessness. We learn that it is preferable not to talk about our feelings, for fear of upsetting or burdening someone.

When we feel uncomfortable with emotional expression – our own or another’s – we will often do anything to make our discomfort go away. When a loved one is feeling down it’s natural to want them to feel better. Of course it is. It’s a beautiful intention to say things to cheer them up, and it can be a sign that we care.

However, it can become problematic if we encourage someone to ‘focus on the positive’ or tell them to ‘be grateful for what you have’ when they are struggling.  These statements are an example of ‘toxic positivity’.

Many of us have been on both the receiving and giving end of this kind of talk and unfortunately, we can even start to do this to ourselves.

When we dismiss, avoid, or fail to acknowledge an emotion it doesn’t just disappear. In fact, it adds another layer to the struggle. For example, if you are feeling sad and you try to push this sadness away or pretend it doesn’t exist, you create resistance to your experience.

Have you ever heard the phrase ‘What you resist, persists’? Well, when you resist something, such as an emotion, that is already present, there will be increased stress in the body and mind. We may then turn to something to numb or distract from our feelings (for example, social media or alcohol) or blame someone else rather than taking ownership for how we feel. Unfortunately, these tactics only provide temporary relief and further perpetuate the stress cycle, usually with the added element of shame or self-blame.

So how do you get out of this cycle? [Hint: it’s the opposite of what you may have thought.]

It can be very helpful to have a skilled therapist to help you to learn how to process your emotions slowly but surely. By allowing yourself to fully feel an emotion in a safe and supportive environment it can naturally arise and then dissipate.

Our brain then develops a new understanding: Feeling an emotion will not have a negative consequence. In fact, I will feel better (not worse) if I feel this emotion.

If you’d like to try practicing on your own here are some ideas:

• Create an affirmation (examples: No matter what I may be feeling I am perfect and whole just as I am; I accept and embrace all of my emotions). Write it down and say it aloud many times a day.
• Journal – step 1: allow yourself to freewrite about your emotions, step 2: read what you have written, step 3: write a sentence to yourself that acknowledges how you feel
  

With practice, you can learn that emotions are nothing to be ashamed or scared of, and in fact, by giving yourself permission to feel them you give others permission to do the same. This is how our culture can gradually make the shift from avoiding to embracing our emotions.